Culinary Science 101
by MovedAccounts-NA
Summary: Rose cooking? Well, that can NEVER amount to ANYTHING good! See what happens. *On Hold!*
1. Chapter 1

_**My first One-shot!**_

_**This idea popped into my head so I wanted to give it a shot!**_

_**Review and tell me what ya think! Oh and I'll probably keep it a one-shot by the way I ended it.**_

_**Love, ~underworldVampirePrincess~**_

* * *

"Okay, Rose. How about we move on to lunch." My best friends boyfriend, Christian Ozera, suggested.

"Sure." I replied, hesitantly. I was slightly nervous. Breakfast hadn't turned out so good. Why would lunch be any different? I just hope that I don't set the Culinary Sciences' kitchen on fire… again. The last time it happened was two years ago. Probably four or five months before Lissa and I ran away from school. I told the administrative over and over again that it was a bad idea to give me cooking as an elective. They should have listened; but they didn't. It was typical that my best friend got Slavic Arts and I didn't. It was boring, yes; but at least it was safe. Which was something that I definitely needed.

The end result was in my favor though. I got to switch to a different class. Slavic Arts. Okay, fine! I didn't get to switch. I was kicked out. Apparently, incinerating a whole classroom and burning your project partner is against the rules. It probably could have ended even worse. Expulsion. Except I won my case by saying that it wasn't actually in the rulebook. Not that I read the rulebook. Pfft. The teachers just assume that students would be more careful with oil around a hot stove. Then again, those teachers never had Rosemarie Hathaway in their classroom.

It was just after our return that I heard a rather… interesting rumor going around. According to the grapevine, they added that you are not allowed to burn and/or light anything on fire. People included. All right, so it wasn't a rumor. It was a fact. Another one best friend of mine, Mason, showed me the page. Yeah, I have a whole page dedicated to me!

I still wanted to learn how to cook though. It's a disappointment when you go all the way to the cafeteria for a certain round, chocolaty, sugar filled sweet and there isn't any there. Not one. How else am I going to fill my doughnut cravings? Sometimes you have to go to extreme measurements to get something that you want. Or in my case, need.

That's where Christian comes in.

The thing is, is, that he can cook. Very well in fact. (Not that I would ever admit it to him though, otherwise I would never hear the end of it.)

The teacher only agreed to let me back in the kitchen if I had someone monitoring me the whole time. I told her that she has trust issues.

So here we are. Christian and Rose. Rose and Christian. Cooking… sort of.

"Here." He handed me a dome shaped pot. I can tell already that this course will not end well. Christian moved some of his black hair away from his crystal blue eyes before continuing.

"I am going to grease the pan with a small amount of cooking oil before I put it on the cook top." I glared.

"Oh so I start a fire once and now I can't be trusted with oil!"

He let out an exasperated sigh. "You didn't start a fire Rose; you lit up the whole kitchen." I rolled my eyes.

"I still stand by what I said that day. There was some fire using Moroi whom wanted to mess with me. Don't worry though; I'm still looking for them. I may not have found them yet but when I do-"

"Rose." Christian cut me off, making me glare again.

"Whatever. Just put the oil in so that we can get this started." He nodded as he dumped some in. "Why are you tilting the pot?" I asked, confused.

"To evenly coat the bottom." That makes sense.

Afterwards he set the… "Hey, Christian. Is there a specific name for that pot?"

"A wok, Rose." That sounds funny. Wok. Wok. Wok.

"Are you going to tell me what we're making with this so called…" Wait for it. "Wok."

"It's a stir fry. That's usually what this type of pot is used for." Interesting.

"What should I do now Sparky?" I smiled as a scowl appeared on his face.

"Do you think that you can bring all of the vegetables over here?" He asked slowly. "There on the table next to you. I already sliced them." When did he do that?

"Oi Human Torch, you don't have to talk to me like I'm some idiot!" He raised an eyebrow at me. "Stop that! You know that I'm like the only person in this whole school who can't do that!" I screeched with my hands thrown up.

"Do I have to ask again Rosie Posie? Maybe this time a bit slower since you still didn't bring them over." He is really starting to piss me off.

"Fucking hell Christian. Here are your damn vegetables!"

He ignored my outburst, probably used to it by now. "I'm just going to cook them until the onions are translucent." I peeked over his shoulder to get a better view. "Next is the soy sauce." I can do that!

I ran over to a cupboard scoping it out for the ingredient. Ketchup… mustard… barbeque sauce… soy sauce. "Got it!" I dumped some in with the vegetables. "See I can do something right." I stuck my tongue out.

"Very good?"

"Now what?" He just pointed to some already cooked noodles that were in a bowl. I slowly added them to the mix. He stirred it for a minute before giving me a bite to taste.  
I chewed it slowly before swallowing it.

"I didn't know vegetables were actually edible, never mind taste good. "

"Typical Rose. " Christian sighed. He handed me the spoon, then walked away to set everything up for the next course; or so I would assume.

"Uh, Christian. Christian!" I started to panic. "Ozera get your ass over here right now!" He turned to face me looking somewhat annoyed. That was until he saw what was happening. He quickly ran over. Well as fast as a Moroi could run.

He grabbed an oven mitt and picked the pot up by the handle. The wok was set in the sink. Cold water running over it.

"How do you burn food that bad in the less than five minutes? It shouldn't be possible!" I always knew that I could do the impossible but right now I had to agree with him and that's saying something. I never agree with Sparky.

He turned the stove off as he stared at me in disbelief.

"Can we just move on to dinner?" I asked sheepishly.

"I guess." He seemed a bit uncertain. Come on. Have a little faith Sparky!

I wonder what we're going to make. I should probably say attempt knowing me. Spaghetti? Macaroni and cheese? Doughnuts!

"What's it going to be? Pizza?"

"No."

"Baked ziti?"

"No."

I know. "Tacos with ketchup!" He just gave me a 'what the fuck' look.

"What?"

"Nothing Rose. It's going to be meatloaf."

"Your T-Rex food?"

"Sure…" He walked over to the fridge pulling some meat out. I still think it's weird to mix them, but whatever.

Then he took out a mixing bowl setting them both down on the table in front of me. After my hands were washed Christian explained what to do. I was told to blend the meats together using my hands. Gross.

With the meats mixed together and wrapped in bacon -by Christian- it was set in a rectangular baking pan.

I made a sauce with some ketchup, molasses, water, sugar, and a few different seasonings that I couldn't remember the names of. The sauce was then slathered all over the meat log (as I like to call it) and placed in the oven.

"It's going to bake for forty-five minutes on 350 degrees." What? That is way too long!

So about ten minutes into the baking time (and when Christian was not watching), I raised the temperature to 500 degrees. Now it will not take so long.

No more than fifteen minutes later, I started smelling something rather foul.

"What are you doing over there?" Christian accused. "It smells disgusting in here!"

"I didn't do anything!" I defended myself.

He went over to the oven and opened it. A whole bunch of black smoke came out, making us both cough and my eyes water. That cannot be good. Then if it wasn't bad enough the sprinklers went off, completely soaking us.

"You turned the oven up!" He spoke through gritted teeth. I could only nod.

"I am out of here!"

"Wait!" I called.

He stopped in front of the door. "What?"

"Don't let a little water put you down Sparky!" His face was unreadable, almost like he was wearing a 'guardian mask'. "Can we just try breakfast again?"

He stared at me wide-eyed. "You want to try breakfast again?" He asked slowly. I nodded. "You want to try breakfast… again?" He repeated slightly hysterical. I stood still. "No Rose we are not going to try breakfast again! Do you know why?" He didn't bother waiting for my answer. "The reason is because you blew up the pot just by boiling the water!"

"Don't blame me for that!"

"Why shouldn't I blame you?"

"How should I have known that water can blow things up? Wait I didn't!"

"Bye Rose." Christian called over his shoulder as he left.

Whatever. I don't need him.

I walked out of the classroom and towards my room. The whole walk I got curious stares. I just glared. After getting changed into something dry, I went to bed.

Over the next few days I snuck into the culinary kitchen to practice some more. I mostly focused on doughnuts and pizza since they were my favorites. It never really turned out well but it wasn't exactly terrible either. The kitchen didn't explode once! I can't say the same for a few pots though.

It was Saturday afternoon when I was walking to Lissas' room. I had checked the bond earlier and found out that Sparky was with her. Luckily, they weren't doing anything that I would forever regret walking into.

I knocked on her door.

No answer.

I knocked once more.

Still nothing.

I was about to try a third time, except the door opened to show a smiling Lissa.

"How was cooking Rose?" She asked.

"Not so good." I admitted.

"Oh." I felt sadness leak through to me from the bond. I love how Lissa always cares.

"Guess what!"

"What?"

"Can you get sparky?" She nodded before walking away.

I overhead their conversation.

"Who was at the door?" Christian asked annoyed.

"Rose." Lissa replied.

"What does she want? If she's here to try and ask me to teach her again she will be quit disappointed."

I heard a slapping noise followed by Lissas' soothing voice. "Be nice Christian!"

When they were both in front of me, I pulled a paper bag out from behind my back.

"Look what I have."

They both gave me a questioning look. I shoved the bag into Sparkys' chest motioning for him to open it.

"Doughnuts?" I nodded. "You made these?"

"Yeah." I answered.

He took one out and bit into it. After he chewed and swallowed the piece he spoke.

"These are really good!"

Lissa took one out to try as well.

"He's right Rose! Did you really make these?" I nodded.

"So I guess you've been practicing on your own then. Seeing as that I never tried to teach you how to-" He stopped for a second. His face scrunched up in confusion. "Rose…"

"Uh-huh?"

"Are you sure you made these?"

"Yeah." I said in a 'duh' tone.

"Right. So why does it say 'Dunkin Donuts' on it?" He questioned as he pointed to the pink and orange symbol on the bag.

"I work there." I said, even though it sounded more like a question.

He shook his head. "No you don't."

"How would you know?" I countered.

"You would never make donuts -food- for somebody else to eat." Christian replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I laughed. "True. I didn't think about that." I took the sweets from him. "So you guys want to come to my room and have some freshly made pizza?" I asked the two of them.

"Let me guess… Pizza Hut." He said as more of a statement than a question, arms folded over his chest and a raised eyebrow.

"No Sparky." I said truthfully. They both looked shocked. "Dominoes."

Lissa burst out laughing. "Oh, Rose…"

"Hey. If they don't deliver it in fifteen minutes or less, it's free. What could be better than either hot pizza, or free pizza… even if the latter is semi-cold?" I reasoned.

They both exchanged a look of amusement.

Christian wrapped an arm around my best friend's waist as I began walking back to my room, with them trailing no more than three feet behind.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

_**Okay, so I decided to add one more chapter. This is basically the after effect of Rose using the classroom. **_

_**I'm dedicating this chapter to: Bookworm-At-Starbucks , since they wanted Dimitri. To which I was more than happy to comply!**_

_**I hope you like it. REVIEW PLEASE!**_

_**P.s. Check out my V.A. Fanfic: Stand By Me. Please!**_

_**As well as: The Ultimate Struggle by LaadyBelikov**_

**_Love, ~UnderworldVampirePrincess~_**

* * *

"Now, the proper protective technique for the rotational survey is…" Stan droned on and on. _Does this guy ever shut up? I mean seriously; the only time I don't hear his mouth running is when he pauses to take a breath. Which, might I add; is only once every twenty to thirty sentences! I feel like walking up to him and decking the jackass! I wouldn't even care in the slightest if I got in trouble. I just want the satisfaction of making him shut the hell up. As well as making blood spurt out from his nose. _

I sighed.

_What a lovely mental image. What more can I ask for than a bloody, unconscious Stan Alto? Uh, nothing! Except for maybe a camera, to take a picture of it. A picture is worth a thousand words. However, it could also be worth fifty dollars!_

"… therefore the first guardian will- Hathaway!" The annoyingly obnoxious voice of this so called "guardian" barked. _Ha! I just pictured him as a dog with a mouth full of biscuits. Priceless._

"I uh- what?" I looked around in different directions frantically. Then when I faced straight ahead, Stanny was in front of me… right in my face! _Gross, I can smell his rancid breath!_

_I need a gas mask!_

"What Stannyboy?" I spat. No, literally I spit in his face when I said it. He wiped his face off before speaking… again.

"Are you even paying attention Hathaway? I have half a mind to-"

"You're telling me? I know you only have half a mind!" He turned beat red and started shaking with anger. _This is so much fun! _"Aww Stanny what's wrong? You're starting to look like a lobster. It's not very attractive."

"That's it Hathaway. Where are not going to start on how-" I cut him off again. It's not as if somebody can really punish me anyway. Kirova would merely tell me to report to Dimitri for my punishment. _On second thought, that wouldn't be such a bad idea…_

Might as well finish our "little show" first though. It's rude to walk out in the middle of a conversation. "How unattractive you are? Well, duh! I'm not going to sit here all day! How about we begin with how annoying your voice is? Wait… that will take just as long. So maybe you should go back to your "guardian" job, otherwise known as babysitting, and let us do whatever the hell we want. It's not like we're really going to learn much with you as a teacher anyhow. I mean come on! You're just as boring as Queen Bitch with her fucking lectures. Either that or prove that you can do more than read out of a textbook. I knew how to do that since the first grade!"

He was like an earthquake just bound to explode. The whole class was silent with mouths gaping open. Some of them looked as if they thought Stan was going to scream at them next, while others -like my good old friend Eddie- seemed rather amused by our exchange.

An ugly scowl formed of his face. "You ungrateful, worthless, little good for nothing-" Alto began before getting cut off by someone that wasn't me for a change.

"Would you like to continue with that Alto?" Asked none other than my personal Russian god, or jailer. I haven't really decided if I'm on his good side or bad side at this precise moment.

Stan huffed, fixed a glare on me- to which I simply gave him an angelic smile- and turned towards Dimitri. "No Guardian Belikov," he replied sounding very much like a five year old being reprimanded for eating a cookie before dinner.

Dimitri stepped away from the doorframe and further into the classroom. "Okay. Then would you care to explain to me your reasoning for saying these remarks towards a student. _My student _nonetheless." He folded his arms across his chest and gave him an expectant look while arching one of his eyebrows. _Damn that made him look incredibly sexy! I need him!_

Stan stomped his foot. _Wait… did he seriously just do that? Somebody's having a little temper tantrum. _"Yes. Your student…" he spat in distaste. I hissed at him. "… wasn't paying any attention to my lesson and then has the nerve to ridicule me."

My god of a man ignored him and turned to me. "Are you alright Ms. Hathaway?"

I sniffled, bringing fake tears to my eyes. "Yes, I'll be fine. It's just that it's not easy to learn when Guardian Alto doesn't pause every few paragraphs to see if anybody has any questions. And how am I supposed to work hard on my work if I keep getting called 'worthless' and a 'good for nothing'? Now every time I try and do an assignment I'm going to keep hearing those words in my head. It doesn't really help with a teenage girls' self-esteem." I explained, directing the last sentence to Stannyboy. I even jutted my bottom lip out to add to the "innocent" image.

Throughout my little speech, Stan looked dumbfounded, whereas Dimitri was nodding along sympathetically. Even thought I'm almost certain that he knew I started it. He was having too much fun messing with him though.

"Here's what we'll do," Dimitri began. "I'll take Rose off your hands since she was wanted in the Headmistresses office. But, count this as your warning Alto. The next time I hear of anything of the sort being spoken in your class I'm taking it to Alberta." He gulped, probably thinking he'll get fired. If only…

After that, Dimitri and I walked out of the classroom.

"So, did Kirova really need me? Or did you just want me all to yourself?" I asked as I, suggestively, trailed my fingers up and down his chest.

He groaned, not even bothering to correct me on how I addressed her.

"Roza," he said in a husky whisper.

"Yes, comrade?" I breathed seductively. He took hold of my wrist, looking like he was in pain.

"The headmistress really did need you," he choked out.

"Do you know why?" I asked him as we started towards her office.

He shook his head, "she didn't tell me."

I grabbed his arm. "Dimitri," my voice was turned serious. "Do you think that she knows about… us?" His chocolate brown eyes, which were recently filled with love and lust, were now drowning in worry.

"I don't think that's the reason," Dimitri responded uncertainly. He was in thought for a moment before he continued. "We should be careful anyway. Let's just go see what the reason is." I nodded in agreement.

"So, what really happened in Stans' class Roza?" I bit my lip.

Shaking my head I said, "nothing," not meeting his gaze.

"Then why did he look like he was about to strangle you?" Dimitri asked, with a raised eyebrow. _Damn you Dimitri!_

Switching subjects I said, "am I the only one who can't do that?"

He nodded. "Yes." I pouted, while he seemed quite amused.

I huffed. "Now about learning Russian…" I trailed off with a hopeful expression on my face.

"Which isn't going to happen." He gave me one of his full smiles, making me go weak at the knees. "Just like what really went on isn't going to get ignored."

"Fine, fine, fine. I was simply telling Stan how to improve his teachings. You know, get a teenagers attention. Make class more interesting. And what better way then a teen girl herself?"

He let out a throaty chuckle, as he shook his head. "Oh, Roza."

"It totally was not my fault really. You probably would have done the same thing. Plus, he shouldn't have reacted that way. Completely and utterly inexcusable!" I flung my arms in the air for emphasize. He just kept chuckling. "Stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry Roza," he apologized, even though his eyes still held amusement. I rolled my eyes.

"Sure you are," I teased. He wrapped an arm loosely around my waist. I snuggled into his side a bit, taking in his warmth.

"I love you," he spoke suddenly, to which I smiled.

"I love you too."

Dimitri scanned the area before he placed a short, but sweet, kiss to my lips.

By now we were in front of the mahogany door which led to Kirova' office. Dimitri gave me a quick half-smile before knocking.

"Come in," I heard a voice say. However, it was faint since it was on the other side of the thick wood. He turned the golden doorknob and we stepped in.

_I wonder if this is what it feels like when you die. You know, when you're going to find out whether you're afterlife is in heaven or hell. Where you plead your case and everyone either nods in agreement or shakes their head because they think you're a fraud._

_Well, if it's not, it won't be so bad when I do visit. _

_Nothing can be worse than this moment. Right here, right now._

There in front of me stood Kirova, Ms. Carmack, and Alberta. _This cannot be good._

I sat down in one of the burgundy chairs in the middle of the room. Dimitri stood by the back wall beside Alberta. While Ms. Carmack was next to Kirova whom was in front of me.

We were in complete silence before I decided to break it.

"So… what's for lunch today? I hear it's pizza. The rectangle kind," I said weakly, a nervous smile on my lips. I could practically hear Dimitri shaking his head in disapproval.

"Ms. Hathaway…" Kirova began. I bit back a groan and an eye roll. "… you are here due to an… incident that occurred over the past few days. It was brought to my attention that you used the Culinary Science room without supervision." _What does she think I'm five? _"Is this true?" The old hag asked, moving her glasses to the bridge of her nose. Her very pointy vulture-like nose!

I shrugged indifferently. "I don't know. Is it?" She rubbed her temples, clearly aggravated.

"That is what I am asking _you_ Ms. Hathaway." I smirked.

"Would you believe me if I said 'no'?"

"No I would not."

I cocked my head to the side. Placing my feet on her desk, I said as casually as I could, "then why are you asking?"

I heard a soft chuckle behind me. Alberta. I felt a wicked grin come to my lips.

"I am asking, to get your side of this story."

"But you just said so yourself that you wouldn't believe me either way!" I crossed my arms over my chest, sending daggers her way. "Besides… you don't got proof."

This time it was Dimitri who chuckled.

Ms. Carmack slammed her hands on Kirovas' desk. "Just show the video!" She barked. _So many images…_

Kirova nodded in response. I was just confused. Looking behind me, the two guardians were equally puzzled. _I guess not everyone is in the loop._

Kirova wheeled a television in from her closet. _Why does she get a TV? Does she have a mini-fridge in there too?_

Next thing I knew a scene popped on. _Hey, it's me!_

"Tell me that," she pointed to the person onscreen, "isn't you!" Ms. Carmack said, just daring me to say 'no'. _I love dares!_

"No it's not." The look on her face was priceless! Almost as funny as Stans'!

"What do you mean 'it's not' you?"

"Well…" I sighed, exasperated. "You just told me to tell you it's not me. I'm was simply listening to you, a teacher." She pulled at her, once neat, bun. Then she turned to Kirova.

"Ms. Hathaway, we have visible proof of you being in the classroom; unsupervised and burning things!"

I turned around. "Can I call my lawyer?" I asked the both of them. Suddenly a piercing scream rang through the room. My head snapped back forward.

"What about these?" Ms. Carmack screeched, slamming a few burnt pots down on the desk.

"What about them?" I questioned with raised eyebrows.

"Hit play!" The headmistress did.

We all watched.

_Music was playing in the background. A song I was familiar with. _

_There I stood in the middle of the screen, a pan in front of me on the stove. I didn't know what I was making at the time, not that it really mattered. Everything that I attempted either blew up or started a fire that day._

"_Hey, hey. You, you. I don't like your girlfriend…" I sang along to the music. Damn I'm good!_

_Then I added, what looks to be, pickle juice to the pan. I turned around and walked towards a cabinet, dancing along the way._

"_Go Hathaway! Go Hathaway!" However when I went back to the stove… well, there was a blazing fire._

"_Aww, Shit! That's the seventh one today!"_

Then the video stopped.

The guardians busted out laughing; but quickly regained their composure.

"You see!" Ms. Carmack gestured wildly towards the TV. I nodded. "Now what do you have to say?"

"I don't know. What do you want me to say?"

"That you did it!" She exclaimed.

"Okay, I did it." I paused for a moment. "Now, what exactly did I do?"

"You blew up pots, and nearly set the whole classroom alight… again!"

"I still don't see your proof that it was me in all of this," I smirked at her furious expression.

"That's it! I am so done! Just give her, her punishment!" I heard her shout before a door slammed.

"So… is Ms. Carmack alright?" I asked, feigning concern. "She seemed a bit… I don't know." I shrugged.

Kirova put her head in her hands. She waved us off as she said, "take care of her Belikov."

_Yes, take care of me Dimitri._

We all began walking out, one by one.

Alberta, Dimitri, and then I.

However, without warning the phone rang. Kirova answered it and spoke quickly. "Yes… uh-huh, I see," she hung and turned towards us. "I have just been informed of an argument in Guardian Altos'-" That's where the three of us fled from the room.

Alberta gave me an amused smile and shook her head. "I should go. She's in your hands now Dimitri. But, don't go too hard on her, alright Belikov? She's still seventeen_." Did she just… I would have to be an idiot to miss that innuendo!_

With both my and Dimitris' mouths agape she smirked and walked away. _Bloody hell!_

I recovered from my shock after several moments. I shook Dimitris', unmoving, form. He didn't respond so I snapped my fingers in his face. Still nothing. "Hey comrade!" I yelled in his ear.

Finally, he came to.

"Uh- what?" He asked, confused, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Nothing comrade. Except you have to punish me," I whispered innocently. His eyes glazed over.

"Is that so?" He smirked.

"Yes."

"Well, than I guess I have to do what I see fit."

I hummed and walked closer to him, placing my hand on his arm. "And what would that be Guardian Belikov?" I breathed seductively. I saw him visibly shudder.

"Whatever I decide," he responded just as huskily.

"When will this be?"

"Five minutes?" He asked me. I nodded.

"Where?"

"Mine."

"Okay," I teasingly kissed the side of his mouth before walking off, swaying my hips more than necessary.

* * *

_**I do NOT own Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne.**_


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